I have been forgiving you
Since the moment
I learned
But how can I respond
When you ask me for forgiveness now
Long after
I have cried my tears
Long after
I have stitched my heart
And coaxed it
To heal
How can I say
I forgive you
When the forgiveness I extended
For so long
Went unseen
How can you ask
“Forgive me”
When you never acknowledged
Your wrong?

I cannot be the one
To give you a badge
That says you have crossed
From that to this

I cannot be the one
To say,
Yes, now you are doing it right.

I did cry a river.
And then I moved my tent
And planted a new garden
New flowers
In new dirt
And I wait painstakingly
To see what grace will emerge
From my pain.

You hurt me.
Instead of speaking truth
You hid it
And when I found it
You ran away
And never looked back
Leaving me
To clear away the shrapnel,
My ears still ringing.

You slipped away slowly
Then quickly
As I grasped at ways to help
Ways to bring you back to life and love.
An honest parting of ways,
An honest confession that you did not love me
An honest word that,
Our time was good but it was over
Would have been a welcome balm.
I grieved that you did not count it worth your own pain
To tell me it was over,
Instead leaving me bewildered
Left to assume what must be true.

I forgive you and forgave you already,
But how can I be your priest
And absolve you of your wrong?
How can I forgive
What you never confessed?

Do not say to me,
“Forgive me, I have changed.”
Tell me the wrongs
That you now recognize
And tell me that you understand
Even a small bit
Of how I must have felt.
Tell me that at last
You feel a little bit
Of my pain
As I once felt yours
So deeply.
Tell me you are sorry.
You are so, so, sorry.


Entry 7: Growing Up

I’ve been back in Bellingham for about four months now, and what I am now doing can best be described in a short three syllable cliche: Growing Up.

I am now officially working full time. My job is at Labels, a woman’s consignment store and pays barely above minimum wage with no benefits; and I am overwhelmingly grateful for it. Continue reading

A new start… again

No matter how I titled this entry it felt cliché but its true. While my time at Whitworth is oddly coming to an end, at the same time its been like a new start for me.

I am so thankful for every friend that I have. Some friends have impacted me by their faithful consistency and companionship in my life. Others I see less often, but have greatly impacted me none-the-less. I think also to my friends in Uruguay, who I knew for less than a year but who still welcomed me so deeply into their lives. Each friendship has been an invaluable treasure. It also confirms and revives the conviction in me that I can also be a treasure and an encourager in the lives of others I come into contact with–even those I know for only a short time. Continue reading