Today I was inspired by the India Arie song:
So far from where I started out.
So far from where I wanna be.
Listening for answers in the wind,
But can’t find a rock to plant my feet.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Down on my knees and now I’m praying for patience.
I know there’s gotta be a better way.
In the back of my mind I hear my momma say
Slow down baby
ya goin to fast.
You got your hands in the air
With your Feet on the gas.
You ’bout to wreck your future,
Run from your past.
You need to slow down before you go down baby.
Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth.
I went through a pretty painful breakup about seven months ago. I finally feel like I’ve gotten to a point where I have pretty much healed and accepted it is over. Still, I feel like day to day, I am not living my life in peace. Its kind of like I have a constant panic under the surface, that I am constantly motivated by a fear of being alone. I am determined not to be a victim, so I frantically try to order and arrange my life in such a way that I will have people around me, places to be, and a community to accept me. All this is good, but I am realizing that even now when I have so much support and so many wonderful people in my life, the frantic-ness and the subtle panic still haven’t gone away.
I realize I am at a point, I want to to keep moving, but what I need now more than anything is to stand still.I need to stand still and take note of exactly where I am. I need to reflect and be aware of all the layers of emotions that have been bouncing around in me for months. I need to breathe and recognize all of the good things in my life. I need to slow down and realize, I am okay, and it is well with my soul.
I have been struggling with feeling like I can’t connect with people in a deep way, that I have a hard time feeling a connection to people. I am realizing, I think I need to take a moment (or two, or three, or more…) to be still, and recognize how deep my own soul goes. I need to take a moment to love and appreciate my own soul, and appreciate who God made me to be. I need to be still in my own company and realize that when I’m alone, I’m not alone.
So my goal today is to confront my fear of being alone, and trust that when I stop and sit in quiet, that I won’t come up empty. My goal is to sit and be still and know God is God, and trust that in slowing down and just being, I am complete. I am enough. I have what I need. My goal today is to slow down.