The Lonely Road

This is a journal entry that I wrote several months ago. I recently came across it, and I was stunned at how directly it spoke to my heart. I want to share it as an encouragement– not because I have perfectly overcome loneliness, but because I still struggle sometimes with that feeling. I believe God will help me to be completely full of joy, so I don’t have to be lonely–but it is a journey and a struggle nonetheless.

 

No one can get my oil for me,

I must get my own.

Nobody can dig this well for me,

I must dig my own

No one can pray this prayer for me,

I must pray alone

 

There is a wellspring deeper in me

Deeper than my most intimate friend can touch

Deeper than my father can reach

Deeper than my mother can know

 

Their words fall in like pennies

And the water below rises in anticipation

To hear them falling, falling, echoing

A sound that resonates and vibrates in my soul—

But the waters wait untouched

This water wants to live

This water wants to well up

This water wants to swell into a current

Unlike any other

 

This water wants to be drawn out

of its captivity

To be drawn out of this deep well

This damp dark well

 

This water wants to be stirred up

To be called Beautiful

 

This water wants to rise

 

This virgin wants oil

This woman wants to dig

This spirit wants to pray

 

Don’t let me die with my waters untouched, unmoved

Don’t let me perish a cripple

Who can never make it to the healing pool

 

God if I am honest with you, I am tired of being alone. I’m tired of it. I don’t want more sedatives, because when I wake up the demon is back worse than ever. I’m tired of being alone, but when I’m sitting alone, I don’t know where to turn my head to see you. I am too small, I am too smart. It goes beyond a loneliness that any person can occupy. When I reach my home at night, my heart is yet unsatisfied. To say, “the grace is sufficient”—sufficient seems so far away! And every time I pour it in the void it slips away. I have come to a place in my journey when it seems that no one is quite journeying beside me. Many are crossing my path, but few will walk beside me on the road that I must walk. It is a road that still frightens me. I need to find you in the secret place—buy where is that place? It is a secret! Yet you are always with me. Can I bear, when I feel you, near, watching, just beyond my shoulder, to turn and look you in the eyes? Can I bear to stand and look you in the face? I long to seek council from a friend, yet fear they will have none to give. The Councilor is the only who remains, the Friend the only I can ask.

God I am angry at you, because I feel like some of the times when I most desperately cried out to you, I heard no answer, I received no response. And I fell hard in my despair.

How terrifying to be alone with you my God, because there is no hiding place when I am hiding in you. I am naked. I weep for Ichabod and long for your light to cover my disgrace.

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